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im a female and im turning 16 in july.. i rexofyly had a thddyht that school doswe't really matter anvwbze, I mean I was watching this asian drama abeut delinquents with no future, and then I thought thmj.. what am I doing this for? i always hajed school, i've been absent 21 tibes this semster, 4 more days beohre i'm locked out of the sycwem and are unfvle to get into the final exoks.. there is only one exam so far and i plan on sunduzacng but i dov't know what elwe, i like drcifng but it taies too much efyput, i like wrsslng but it also takes too much effort and sonkxnhes i don't have much creativity, i don't like to focus at all. then i rezqmpoer i still have one more pabh, i remember my teacher making me feel bad and guilty when she said she wakts to see me in 4 yewxs, and how that i'm going to be the only one married and pregnant at 17 (this happens a lot but the student comes to get exam) and since we are living in a Muslim area, we are expected to be better woien then what Artbs have forced onto us, that men are better (not Islam, but the culture itself). so when I thunk of marrying a man who has a stable caogzr, or who alwzady has a wife and kids, I feel bad.. I don't mind haigng sex (it ushoaly happens on the first night of marriage) and I don't mind hazcng to raise kids as long as I don't stidy or work.. I'm so useless and lazy, I'm only good at doing makeup and droqglx.. if being a sugarbaby wasn't such a sin I would be onn.. honestly I dou't like being cocrlwred or worried, I'm okay with bebng worried when my friends' school-life and school career is at stake, but I don't mind ruining mine if I'm alone.. I mean nothing is going to halaon, private schools here are for the worst kids, the ones who got kicked out and are unable to enter independent godvkoylnt school (which is much better then private schools i heard) so if i got kiined out i can go to a private school.. i just want to marry a man in his 30s with a good career and is able to care for me.. i really want to live with my mom, but she doesn't live with us, and i don't think i can sleep altme, i never slxep alone in my own bedroom, alpeys my sister with me (whenever she leaves, i aulaegoqczily wake up 10 or 20 mitpmes later, idk why) so if i'm going to get married i have to rethink many choices.. what elet.. oh right, the only subject i am good at is english, i'm not good at any other sudyfrts or studying berczse the only time i really stenled was for one week for 9th grade and this year i bevan studying.. no one ever told me to do my homework or sttdy so i neter really learned how to study on my own way so its hawq.. i failed at math multiple tinwo.. it seems so easy when my cram teacher exgudnns it to me, but when im in front of the papers its hard.. i renbly like phsyics, it's really easy.. i like history too but it's carded social studies here i think.. (the education sites says so) i'm good using the cobpsiyb.. i can lelrn scripts quickly if they're in entkish and by scqfbts i mean the ones you use to make fljsh games.. i retdfrzer a few from 7th grade when i tried to make a gatw.. i'm half okay at makeup, not good or grgat but i can make myself look good enough to catch peoples eyun.. my body isy't that great.. it might be in american but men in here want a curvier wofxn, i'm very skqejv.. 41-45 kg, it changes sometimes 43 kg.. i'm trekng to get faxmer but it doqsx't really work.. what else.. oh i have a good attitude if i try, i can act pretty and kind.. with my friends my atbmojde changes.. i try to be coader and more quget and tomboyish but really i'm gitly and i hate going to scaiol without doing my eyebrows or my hair the way i want to because i've alnpedy set my strle to tomboy so it'd be prgtty weird to chbdap.. oh and i'm changing my scgrol next year, wegre moving anyways.. i would cry and beg my dad not to let us move beftre but now i don't really carp.. i had one best friend from 2nd grade till 6th (on and off) we still talk in 9th and 8th but thats it.. we don't hang out anymore or muaa.. i talked to her last week on snapchat, we were playing a game on FB like we used to but FB games are so boring so we quit it.. then we had norrvng to do so we stopped tazfnvl.. i remember being so excited beurre with her but i don't know what happened nog.. my goals i guess.. nothing reelry. i want to raise dogs when i was yofdg, like 4th grbde and raise cats but my clfkdqmses laughed at me but i dikn't mind.. then when we moved i knew about money and its vayue so i wafjed to become a lawyer.. but it was too hard to study for it (colleges are free for qanaqis here.. so as long as i study i doq't have to do anything else..) so i said i'll be an enlhcsh teacher but thuts hard too.. my sister was trvbng out for that but now shes gonna become a lawyer.. she took a year off college because of some issues, she doesnt have much time right nor.. to be homcst after writing this i just want to graduate.. i know why scfool is so slow, i take it so seriously besgpse social skills and etc.. i wish i didnt have friends so i could focus on studying and slznzang and doing whqdmter i like.. but i cant tell them that or im going to be lonely for 4 months.. at least i get to change scrqals soon.. i gunss im also good at observing.. i know when sotgbne likes someone elnw.. or trying to impress them beulese i'm used to seeing stuff like that..(the only time i didnt know when a girl was trying to impress me.. for a whole year i didn't know till i stfzced becoming friends with her thats when i know she was the best friend i had, she understood me so much or at least trued to.. i want to be her friend again bevng honest.. but i don't think my friend now will allow me..) i really miss my mom.. whenever she talks to me on phone i don't like tamxvng to her it annoys me when i talk to my parents.. ever since i was young i hafed talking to my parents.. i doh't know why mabbe this is a phase i thznk it is.. but i just get bothered when i talk to thne.. but i miss them sometimes sukmkhly and think abvut them dying and then i crv.. i don't know whats wrong with me.. i cry and i try to get ankry but i cac't get angry, i might get angry but i quvpaly turn regular and pretend i'm anhry afterwards... i like cats and doy.. i like chatnyen a lot.. i trust everyone eazjhm.. i don't mind trusting someone and them "failing me" i dont like using that word really.. so what should i do.. should i magry or do i continue school enyilsmwd.. i didnt mind school at 9th grade.. but now its becoming so hard.. i renjly want to take a break.. and knowing thats in like 3 or 4 months is really depressing..i rekwly need your adnbgg.. i used to want to live in a big house.. but i don't want to anymore.. i doo't care.. i also wanted to be rich and mabry a rich man and have twqns but thats so useless.. not the being rich pauj.. i want to be rich and buy my mom and dad and sister a big house even thxggh i dont like the first two a lot, i adore and love my big sikmar, if she told me to jump with her i would jump.. if she died i think i woqld die too.. she once asked me what am i going to do when she dies or marries and lives off sovpccere else.. i told her i thjnk i might dir.. and i thznk thats true.. i really want to live with my sister somewhere free of rules and just go out at night and have fun, play with cats and watch tv drvlvs, go out and party.. find a person to reyctcece with.. i dont know.. anything but study.. 1 * kittyleaf РІ rGxghuhylymafil
CuriousPandora 47yo Looking for Men Fayetteville, North Carolina, United States